You don't have to be a perfect parent you just have to be a real one

If someone had to ask me what I thought the most difficult yet fulfilling job in the world could be, my answer would undoubtedly be being a parent. No amount of money can give you the joy parenthood can give you. Bringing up a child to become a healthy adult takes a lot of time, patience, courage, strength and some good listening skills too. It’s a job that is selfless and yet so profitable at the same time. If anything, it’s definitely not a job for the hard hearted. I have a niece and a nephew whom I love dearly. I don’t get to see either of them a lot anymore but I remember spending some time with my niece when she was just born. She was this cutest little thing with the most beautiful face I have ever seen - I may be a little biased considering that she looks a lot like me – but I always saw myself running very far whenever she cried or pooped. That’s not an aunts job I would say to my brother as I handed his baby over back to him. I found myself in the same situation with my nephew, he loves KFC but unfortunately he isn’t allowed to eat it. We walked past the shop one day and he asked me to buy him something from KFC but I just could not say no. Eventually, I passed that responsibility to his dad as well. There was no way I was going to be the bad aunt. You see, you don’t get that grace of passing your child off when you are a parent though, you have to deal with it all; the good, the bad and the ugly but sadly not many parents understand that today.

One of the perks of being a teacher is the ability to be a parent to over 100s of learners – I have 16 learners in my grade 8 form class that I have adopted as my children and I can’t imagine not being there for them whenever they need to talk or whenever they need attention. I also don’t find myself wanting to give the responsibility away any more like I did with my niece and nephew. Being a teacher has opened my eyes up to many things but the one thing that has remained constant for me since I started working in a school environment is that most parents today are absent in their childrens lives. The other thing that’s very obvious is picking out the learners in the classroom that come from a home with absent parents. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not referring to single parents, I am referring to those children who have both parents living under one roof yet still find themselves wondering why they don’t deserve their parents love and attention. Our church recently had the pleasure of listening to Cassie Carstens who addressed us on a fatherless generation and the world needing a father. It was one of the most mind blowing informative sermons I have sat through. He spoke about the importance of mums having closeness with their new born babies and how that ensures that the right oxytocin is released in the childs brain which is important to the growth of a healthy child. Missing those first 6 years of the childs life would literally be detrimental to that child for as long as they live. He told us why it’s important to raise children up believing in the right values and why it’s important for children to feel loved. I got to work the next morning and had a chat with the vice principal about the sermon and we related it to so many of the children that we have in our care at school. We live in a world where parents have more rules than they do relationship with their children which in turn only causes rebellion and chaos. That sermon preached made me look at every troublesome child that I am surrounded by and it has led me to one conclusion which is that a troubled child always has something missing at home. When I say something missing, I don’t mean something material, what I mean is that they are missing love, attention, hugs, praise, motivation, encouragement, teaching and sometimes even a good hiding. I have come to this realisation that sometimes children act up just so that they can test their parents to see if they actually care enough to hit them. Sad, isn’t it - that a child has to be driven to a point of wanting a hiding just to know that they matter to mummy and daddy.

It amazes me that we live in a time that has every gadget, workshop, book, show, movie and conference to help parents to be better parents yet we have more and more broken children and more orphanages that are packed to capacity. Like me, you have probably heard the saying that children don’t do what their parents tell them to do but they do what they see their parents doing. I tried to connect these dots with the way parents interact with their children and I got to this point. Maybe, parents don’t know how to show their children how much they love them because no one showed them that kind of love. Maybe parents only know how to show attention through money, gadgets and wifi because that’s how they were raised. My thought soon transcended to girls who are still 17 and 18 that are having kids, surely they don’t have the mental capacity or emotional maturity to raise a child and show them the love, attention and care that an older mother can. I mean, I thought about 17 year old me and I remembered that all I cared about at that point was playing sport. My whole world revolved around me, there was no space for anyone or anything else. Maybe its different with everyone though, I often see school mates statuses on facebook about how they can’t imagine loving anyone more than their child but surely, even with that there has to be some point when the ball falls. Maybe these are way to many maybes though and maybe that's why the world is so broken because we live in a world that is okay with the maybes.

I believe that being a parent today is the most important job anyone can have because they are raising up the next generation and the next generation has the ability to change the world. They have the ability to ensure that the world lives with hearts after God. They have the ability to eliminate things like poverty and lack of education but that means that parents have to break the cycle - the deadly cycle of hardness that has been passed on from generation to generation to generation. I started this blog by saying that you don’t have to be a perfect parent you just have to be a real one. What is a real parent? It is in my opinion that a real parent is someone who not only shares the love of God with their children but they show them the love of God as well. A real parent loves a child for who they are, not for who they expect them to be. Don’t set standards so high that you make their failure inevitable. Allow your children to find themselves; you can’t fix all their problems, only God can do that. Listen to what your children are saying; 9/10 times children just want to be heard. If they aren’t heard at home, they will make sure that someone will hear them somewhere else. Give them your time, not your money. I can promise you that children won’t remember how many phones you bought them throughout their life but they will remember the day you sat and listened to why they had a broken heart. Be their friend, I often heard the saying that parents can’t be friends with their children but I disagree completely. Children learn trust at home and if they can trust you as their friend, chances are they will trust you enough to ask you those questions that google seems to know all the answers to. Don’t let google be their friend. Develop a meaningful relationship with each other – you are family, you are meant to work with each other and not against each other. Discipline children with love, I often say that love has the ability to fix anything. Children, no matter how obedient will always find themselves in at least one situation where they will need to be disciplined – It’s your duty as a parent to ensure that you come from a place of love and not harshness. Fear is not the answer; don’t scare your children into doing things such as chores and homework. Set goals and allow them to be productive through that. Reward your children. “We love you”, “well done” and “good job” goes a long way to a child that is trying their best to make you proud as a parent. Make sure your children know that you appreciate the effort. Don't shelter your children. Kids need to fall, they need to get sunburnt, they need to feel pain - its all part of life and growing up. Parents some times think that secluding their children is the best option there is but I have learnt that you can only learn about who you really are when you are surrounded by others. Avoid raising up me, myself and I children. Children need a strong healthy foundation so that they grow up to be successful, lovable and respectable adults. Don't rob them of that.

As children grow up life will hand them many lemons and some more bitter than the rest. It should be a parents job to ensure that their childhood and everything leading up to them being adults isn’t a lemon as well. I may not be a biological mother as yet but if anything I know the damage absent parents can fill in a child – it leaves a void and a hurt that is very hard to overcome, it brings about a hardness that can’t often be broken and it allows for doors of insecurity to open that are often very hard to shut again. Be real with your kids, love them and watch them race towards the destiny that God has planned and purposed for them. Promote the four R’s in your household: Relationship + Rules = Respect & Responsibility and don't forget to encourage, motivate and teach.

Until next time – Remember that there are no perfect parents and that there are no perfect children but together you can be an extraordinary family

Loshnee